Opinions are like…

I happened upon a few lists in the vain* of: Rules fer Writin’ Fiction.

And now I’m here, fixin’ ta write my own list, Texas-style, as a reaction to what them other varmints said.

Now, it ain’t really Texas-style cuz in some instances, I rely on my dead friend Pierre-Auguste Renoir to drive a few points home for me.  Savvy?  But anyway, a little cross-disciplinary insight don’t hurt no one.

Opinion #1)  If you don’t please yourself first and foremost, you ain’t gonna be able ta sustain your passion for writing.  Renoir said, “When I’ve painted a woman’s bottom so that I want to touch it, then [the painting] is finished.”

Opinion #2)  If writing’s yer only way to make a buck, God help ya.  P.S.  I bow down.

Opinion #3)  There’s whole slew o’ mighty good books and authors out there whose voices I ain’t about to mimic and whose convictions pertaining ta literature I DO NOT share.  Catch my drift?

Opinion #4)  In general, I don’t reckon you ought’a trust folks who tell you to “never do [x]**.”  Renoir said, “In painting, as in the other arts, there’s not a single process, no matter how insignificant, which can be reasonably made into a formula. You come to nature with your theories, and she knocks them all flat.”  On a side note, I do reckon you ought’a be smart enough to know that there’s a slew o’ rules you ought’a follow most all the time.

Opinion #5)  Language is something you use.  Don’t let the tail wag the dog.

Opinion #6)  Don’t be intimidated by people who make up grocery-type lists of rules for how’n you ought’r be usin’ language.

Opinion #7)  Knowin’ how to talk is a step in the right direction.

Opinion #8)  Scrutinize yerself.  See how you square against other voices.  That should help you see whether or not you ought’a play harmonica instead.

Opinion #9)  I reckon flow and comprehension are pert’near the most important things to get right.  Everything else is pretty much a guideline.  Some sundry that helps get yer flow and comprehension on track are:

1. Read aloud to check yer rhythm

2. Pay attention to yer pacing

3. Think about the logical way junk happens in yer story.  I mean you can’t open the door while you’re walking through it.

4. Craft smooth transitions

5. Be specific

Opinion #10)  Don’t think that a list of opinions on how to write good is gonna save you from scorn.  Award winning books get one star ratings on Amazon.com.  Just ask John Scalzi.  Also keep in mind that durn Truman Capote said of Kerouac’s “On the Road”, “That’s not writing, that’s typing.”

Opinion #10b)  You’re gonna piss someone off.  And if you ain’t, yer probably a shitty writer anyway.

Opinion #11)  Pay attention to what the collective says about yer story.  Look for patterns in the feedback you git.  Analyze, as objectively as you can, all that feedback they throw at ya.

Opinion #12)  Yep.  I mean all of it.

Opinion #13)  Look back at opinion #1, then toss the rest of the feedback in the trash.

Opinion #14)  Folks who achieve a margin of success and then start handin’ out exspert’vice ain’t the sorts o’ critters I think a whole helluva lot about.  Fuck them.

Remember: Renoir said, “I am just learning how to paint.” (six years before he died)

*If you reckon puns are the lowest form of humor known to man, I feel right sorry fer you.  Shakespeare liked ‘em and so do I.

** [X] can literally be any durn thing under the sun.

I ain’t no exspert.  I’m just an American that likes to write stories.

I reckon what matters is the residue your book leaves behind — both with the reader and with you.

Writin’ is a way of livin’.

Y’all come back now, ya hear?